I like octopuses, a great book and you’ll never find me without a big cup of ice water by my side. A total freak for essential oils, bad jokes, mini m&m’s and really big ideas, I talk a whole freaking lot and love love love to laugh. I have a hot fiancé who I love making googly eyes at and I’m a momma to two crazy cats. Traveling is my jam. Right here you will see all of those things, plus a bit more craziness. Want to be friends? Hit the contact tab.
That was an instagram message I received after posting an introduction post about myself and explaining my love of wellness in my intro. Here I was, talking about my passions, and all this person saw was my weight. It literally tore the breath out of my throat and I haven’t deleted it yet – more so because I don’t want to have to click into the message and see if there is more.
Their message struck a huge cord for me… one of defiance, guilt, shame, anger and then, one of complete and total disgust, and then…..acceptance. I was accepting that they were right, that I was a fake, a screw up. My nonexistent self esteem was at it again, and this wasn’t new.
With this thought came a surge of… love. Self love. That I have not experienced in… I couldn’t tell you the last time. With this surge came the thought (shouted it seemed) : YOU ARE WORTHY.
Which is a start.
You see, my entire life I have had self-esteem issues. From the time I was in third grade, the first one with boobs and being poked at by the popular girl, to being called every fat name under the sun from middle school to high school. I was bullied, most times about my weight and my looks and while my family and friends assured me over and over of my worth… I lost it. Lost my self worth. Forgot myself. I learned to fake what I needed to and move on. Fighting for myself didn’t seem worth it, when I didn’t see myself as worthy enough.
Then came this season of my life: this wellness journey. What started as such a simple step, has become the campaign to save myself, from myself. To heal my body, mind and soul both inside and out. To learn to accept my flaws and my facets. What started with just the thought to go a little non-toxic in my home has become the battle to relearn my mindset, and learn to love myself. It has been radical and frightening and very, very hard.
Now, part of my goals on this self discovery is to lose weight. I want to be able to travel lighter
on my feet, feel better physically and care for my body naturally and well to let it be the size it needs and should be. But yes, part of it is connected to my self esteem. To feel better about how I look. To lose the shame that follows me, to have more confidence. I am learning to love myself for myself, at all sizes, but ultimately I do want to lose weight.
However, to the mean instagram person, I’m going to say it again for you: Wellness is not a synonym for Weight-Loss. My wellness journey is not ineligible because I am not the size you associate with a wellness person. I am worthy of this change. I am worthy of loving myself enough to care what goes in and is around my body and my home.
This was such a hard post to write because it’s making me be really vulnerable with.. everyone. Anyone. It’s showing a side I don’t show to the world often because I am on this wellness trek and am trying to encourage others who want it as well. But I felt it was important to share, for others and for my own mental health.
This is my declaration of betterment.
This is me putting out into the universe that I am loved, I am worth it and despite the weight or looks: This is me. (and yes, Greatest Showman fans, please play this song at least once today and think of me, because that song is now my theme song. and I cry during it. every.single.time.) I have more goals, of self love, discovery and growth. Books to read, super foods to try and oils to slather on. But for now, this reflection has been another step in the stairs and I am grateful you took the time to read it. If you are in something similar, please reach out (you can do that here: Let’s be friends.) I want to meet you and hear you and support you in any way I can. Whatever stage of this journey you might be on: you are worth it.
And to the mean instagram person, one last thing: You can go suck it.